to a younger woman

i'm home sick with strep throat and it's snowing outside. what a perfect excuse for an afternoon blog post. a letter to my 15 year old self inspired by sugar's letter to her younger self.

sweet girl,

you are about to fall in love. relish that. your first love is a roller coaster. be an idiot. it is the first time in your life that you will be called to dig deeply into your insecurities. it is the first time you will feel you are a version of yourself apart from your family. when he says i will love you forever and then some believe him. later when then some has passed be grateful that for a time you stood under orion's starry belt and believed that you would have only one love in your life. hold that idea like an old woman holds a weathered photograph of her pregnant form. you will spend years wondering about this love and what it meant and what it means for future relationships. this is partly because you are young and naive. it is partly because you are you, uniquely designed to weigh, measure, and fortify memories. let it breathe. let to go. there is nothing wrong with the progression of the heart. be wild in your consumption of adoration.

you will always love water even after the 6am water polo practices are only distant memories. spend as much time in the ocean as you can; you will not always live near it. don't spend too much time thinking about leaving. the sea is your first great love even proceeding the aforementioned adorable boy who will give you a bracelet among other things with your name, first and middle, engraved on it. you will return to the ocean methodically. it will be your metronome of self. sand and sea are blessings you cannot escape.

when you walk around the park that day in july eating raspados with your ponytail askew and your shin guards flopping around your cleats walk slowly by each tree, over each uneven slab of concrete to the place where your friend stood laugh and speak loudly over the music. don't ever be drowned out by anyone's music unless of course what it has to say is more important.

watch your brother sleep. remember everything he says. learn about joy through his reactions to the world.

when your english teacher asks you to join the cheerleading team because they need girls with good grades it is okay to say no even though she is exquisite in your mind. you have never been nor will you ever be a cheerleader. your teacher will still become one of the most important women in your life. down the road a young woman you've poured into will put into words to you what you always wanted to say to that teacher, "thank you for knowing that who i am is infinitely more interesting than who the world suggests i should be. thank you for fighting for my mind."

when somewhere down the road you find yourself in your first college dorm and a boy spends an hour talking to you about your hopes and dreams and how your hair really does look like light on the sea at dawn do not arrogantly presume that because you are from a rough neighborhood you have everyone's number down and he is a flirt without substance. he will later surprise you with one of the most meaningful friendships of your young life.

keep loving on people the way you do. never doubt that wisdom. be brave in your friendships. you will be called into bravery many times in the years to come. face those times with conviction, laughter, and a belief that forgiveness is the great victor. sweet girl, forgive all the time the large and small pains. you will learn to tattoo forgiveness onto your palms everyday. your faith will run like a living red ribbon through your veins, a more glorious option than blood. do not resist any of this.

when far down the road you realize you have lost touch with los angeles and its people, your people, do not be afraid to reach out. life is a winding river that sometimes comes full circle. do not fear the circle.

when, in your freshman year of college, you have strep throat do not hesitate to share a room with a girl who also has strep throat on the dorm ski trip. you will lay in bed together sick and discuss jane austen. others will find it amusing and photo worthy. late at night your throat will be burning so badly you're crying and she will be equally feverish. do not be afraid to pray together. this girl will become your one of your best friends in the world.

in a few years from now you will walk out of a friday afternoon practice with a body drained from a distance swim, eyes burning with chlorine, and mind fatigued from competition. do not forget on this day to go and visit your best friend who is not feeling well. do not forget to bring her a get well present because she loves presents. her room is a shrine to color. do not forget to brush her thick black hair so long you could live in it. do not leave the room without talking to her about your boyfriend and how she is sprung for the introverted Russian boy with an older brother so beautiful that he reminded you of snow. etch into your mind the calla lily rosary she has taken to bed with her and rests between her thumb and middle finger as she spells out all the details of how she wants to kiss the Russian. do not forget to do any of this. on monday she'll be dead.

wear her ring everyday on your middle finger until the years and mornings spent sleeping instead of swimming have rounded you out and you must move the ring to another finger. do not fear this. do not put away the ring for the fear of the flesh. your body and soul will round with time as you move away from girl and to woman. this is natural. do not waste time or creativity on the fruitless pursuit of a perfect body. dear sweet girl, love your precious fingers.

when you are 26 you will be showering. it will be snowing outside. you will not be living in los angeles. your breath will unfurl against the cold air. you will submerge in heat, water, and lather. this same ring will catch your hair tugging at the tangled mess of waves. you will think of your job, the time sheets unsigned, the patient returning with a question, and the coffee pot left out. you will think of the man you love as a brother, or a friend, or a lover, or something in-between. for a moment as your hair grips your ring you will think of this best friend and her long unruly mane. you will think back to when she died and you could not speak to anyone. you could only manage a shower letting the water's weight and monologue move you from one life to the next.

sweet girl, do not forget water will always be your vector to self.



photo: me at age 15 before a water polo away game with blue lipstick

love train, august 27th 2011

this past weekend my dear friend tamra got married to jeff. they fell in love last year in the great state of colorado. they are wonderful people and had a wonderful wedding.


it was unique as they are unique. it was on a train in leadville, one of the highest altitude towns in the USA. we made merry in our beautiful mountains. congrats tamra and jeff; we love your love.

some shots of the day.

winter rising

it's snowy and very cold today. icy winds have blown in and the streets are full of urban slush. tonight i'm honoring winter by thinking about my favorite winter place: taos. isn't it beautiful?



whenever i start to feel that winter is grundgy and gross i think of the magic of adobe, snow, sky, and chili.



in honor of tonight i'm having green chilis. yum.

goodbye 2010, hello 2011

"I am older than I once was, and younger than I’ll be.
That’s not unusual.
It isn’t strange,
after changes upon changes, we are more or less the same.
After changes, we are more or less the same."

so on this very freezing new year's eve while i sit watching my stew boil and drinking my hot chocolate i am thinking about three things:


1. one of my very best friends that turned 26 today. it's amazing when you really think about it how we walk through so many different experiences and grow each year, but some things remain the same in each of us. i'm so glad for the things that remain constant in her. happy birthday valen.

2.this past year: i could go on and on about it, but suffice it to say that it's been a year of supreme challenges, great gifts, and huge growth. the highlights have been my relationships, my growing love of colorado, my growing knowledge of and ability to work with the homeless population, and my appreciation for who i am.

3. the coming year: i am hoping for simple things this year. i wish to openly and honesty embrace the experiences in my life; to be proactively healthy; to grow in wisdom, love, and bravery; to move closer towards grad school; to develop my pancake making skills; to move in to one of two neighborhoods in denver lined with brick homes and adorable shops; to spend significantly more time in the mountains; and lastly to ground myself daily in the life that i am blessed enough to have. yes my goals span from the mundane to the amorphous.

2010, it's been real.

photocredit: {Brendan McCarthy} ....photo recap of the year coming tomorrow!

shimmer me timbers

fall is here. the aspens are turning to gold. they shimmer and quake rhythmically. it's as if all the little anxious trees shaking from fear of winter found each other and discovered some peace in their vocal harmony. it's the colorful song of autumn.

i like to stand under the trees and imagine the world saying, "here is this gift. change seems scary and you've had so much of it this year, but look in the most transitional of seasons i'm bringing you this remarkable show of beauty."

in our ever pivoting existence i'm glad that fall is beautiful. change makes me shake and quake like an aspen and i find an undeniable sense of community in the shared experiences of all my fellow aspen trees making their shocking and inevitable movement from one season to the next...

so good night world. here is to autumnal gold.

jacaranda

the rain is pouring down on the frontrange this evening. i am eating rosemary bread and feta watching the rain fall. as you might have noticed i've been feeling nostalgic. today i'm reflecting on the jacaranda tree.

they were the first tree that i ever loved. they are a bright beauty beacon on the streets of los angeles. every year i waited for their two blooming seasons. it was my own version of autumn. jacaranda trees= becca's seasonal magic.



many a childhood daydream involved building a house in the branches of a jacaranda. as i grew older i found out that the jacaranda tree also represents international maternal health. in countries like brazil, australia, kenya, and new zealand small clinics plant jacaranda trees to celebrate women's health and successful births.

it's really a lovely tree. here's wishing you a breezy afternoon picnic under a violently violet blooming jacaranda.

garden bruschetta

Tonight i made a recipe for dinner very similar to the one posted last week. My garden is producing with shocking efficiency and I'm hard pressed to eat all these vegetables. If you are equally fortunate and find yourself with a silly amount of squash make this...it's worth eating. Feel free to vary the recipe. I'm a messy cook and encourage creativity when it comes to bruschetta. Bruschetta is not boring.

garden bruschetta
2 zucchini
1 yellow summer squash (or three yellow squash and no zucchini)
5 tomatoes (any color...the more varied the better)
3 small eggplants or 1 large eggplant
1/2 cup of Parmesan cheese grated
1 whole sweet onion
Coat the bottom of the pan in an inch of olive oil
Half a loaf of french bread (I like to use rosemary french bread)
2 garlic cloves

Instructions:
Chop the onion into crescent moon slices
Slice the eggplant into skinny slices, sprinkle salt on them and set them aside
Slice the squash into thin quarter circles and set them aside
Heat up the olive oil in a cast iron skillet
Put the onions into the skillet and brown them at a high temperature
Turn the heat down and keep caramelizing the onions
Wipe the "sweat" off the eggplant slices
Turn the heat up and throw the eggplant slices into the skillet
Let them brown for a minute then turn the heat to a medium temperature
Add half a cup of water and cover the skillet with a lid (watch the eggplants and onions to make sure they don't burn)
While this is cooking, slice the tomatoes into small bits
Uncover the skillet and make sure the eggplant slices are cooked through. Add salt to taste and black pepper.
Add the squash to the mixture and cover it back up.
Chop up the fresh oregano and basil into small bits.
After letting the whole mess cook for about 5 minutes add the tomatoes and cook for 3-6 minutes.
Add some more salt. Add the herbs. Add the cheese. Put the stove on warm and let the veggies stew.
Take it off the oven and put it all in the fridge until it cools down.

Bread Instructions

When the veggies are chilled...
Slice the bread into thin slices
Dice the garlic and brown it in olive oil
Turn on the oven to 450 degrees
Once the garlic is browned use a cooking brush or spatula to spread the oil and garlic onto the bread.
Sprinkle some Parmesan on the bread.
Put her in the oven for 4-5 minutes until golden brown and delectable.

Put the cold veggies on the warm garlic toast and savor. Tastes great with red wine...

mid year check in

it is not the new years, but given we've just finished the steamy month of july i'm thinking that i'd like to commit to some basic concepts in the next six months and it helps to put them in writing. let's see how i do...

1. do something active everyday.
2. eat more vegetables and bake more pie.
3. conquer my debt/money phobias methodically.
4. make art weekly.
5. go swimming more.
6. organize my grad school process.
7. Practice this.
8. practice photography and writing.

ready, set, go!!!

what are your mid-year goals?

photocredit:{reedrummond}

i cursed spring

two days ago i wrote that spring had definitively arrived. the next morning it began to snow. the precipitation whipped around us in an icy, windy flurry and i spent most of the morning worrying about my daffodils and whether or not they could make it through another late spring snow storm.

never be so arrogant as to assume that you can say anything definitive about the colorado weather. this is the lesson i keep learning.

i must:

dress in layers
delight in the moment
always have shoes in the car for snow
never wear paper thin cotton dresses without jackets...even in august

colorado keeps me on my toes.

photocredit: {daryllhunter}

naughty blogger

i have been a naughty blogger recently. i've dropped the ball. the border of winter and spring is always an odd time of year for me. i go into hibernation mode and spend lots of time reading and making soup and cleaning. i nest for spring.

i am afraid to say it and have another snow storm blow through and disprove me, but i'll be bold.

spring is here. it is gloriously here. the trees are budding. i stood in my yard barefoot today and let my toes sink into the frigid soft earth.


thank you winter for bowing out. you've been striking and transformative, but this girl needs her some warmer weather.

photocredit: {emily brigid}

root down, rise up

good morning duckies,

i am sitting at my office taking in the snow. it's coming down again and this california sunshiney girl is wondering: when does the snow stop? is march not spring? apparently it is not. yet in my garden my daffodils are beginning to bloom and their fresh green shoots wear little white capped bonnets this morning. we've entered metamorphosis time and i'm making a little cocoon of my big chunky red sweater. it's a year to grow my patience skills

little tidbits that are making this long winter a bit brighter:

mango juice for the lips
the promise of my favorite flower
the knowledge that i'm on the path to becoming an advanced practice nurse midwife. this is a fact that brings me much joy.
bobo's oat bars...my new snack obsession
time reading at stellas, a most beloved coffee shop.
practicing photography and appreciating this amazing photography website

photocredit: {blamstur}

spring is springing and i'm returned

hello all,

apologies for my recent poor blogging skills. i've been handling some health issues and taking some very fun trips. i shall post pictures soon.

i woke up this morning and the daffodils in my yard were coming up. this will be my first spring spent outside of california and i cannot wait for the radical shift in seasons. a flower is so much more lovely when it is taking the place of an ice encrusted plot of dirt, is it not?

oh spring, in this year of transition, you mean so much.

photocredit: {dullard}

season of the sweater

so tomorrow i'm taking a mini-trip after work to the mountains. i am going deep into the mountains. the town i'm traveling to is colder than any other US city outside of Alaska. i'm excited and i'm nervous because for me growing up a cardigan was considered proper winter attire. the friend that is taking me told me to bring my warmest clothing. i held myself back and didn't say, so you mean i should bring plaid cotton throw over sweatershirt that i got at forever 21 for 6 bucks. warmest piece of clothing. i have scrambled and borrowed. i shall look like a raggamuffin quilt for my weekend away.

i'm so excited as taking trips is potentially my favorite thing to do. i'll keep you posted and put up pictures later this weekend...

photocredit: {melissamaple}

dear winter mornings,

i like the way you've escalated my love for my bed,
i think that the way you frost my window is magical,
you teach me that freshly fallen snow does have a smell and that it's delightful,
you justify my new teapot and you always are better with michael frantimorning music.
you make me want to snuggle.
winter mornings, in spite all my predictions, i find you charming...

photocredit: {macrorain}

glory of the sky

confession: change is one of the hardest things for me to theoretically grasp. once a major transition happens i find myself quickly going with the flow and planting new roots and embracing new experiences. it is the anticipation of change that can overwhelm.

i was reflecting on sunrises and sunsets, inspired by a post at the lovely pioneerwomanblog. i cannot think of a more poignent symbol of change than dawn or dusk. there is a breathtaking beauty inherent in the passing of time.

photocredit: {becca ann, 2Kool4U, munroe photography, AS photography}

sol

i cannot emphasize the importance of sunshine. winter doldrums are almost always healed up by the lovely mountain sun.

what do you all do when the winter months start getting oppressive?

photo: my lovely kim